Tuesday, May 16, 2006

This is a guest post. Sort of. That is to say, the guest who's posting it doesn't exactly know he's posting it but I'm guessing he shouldn't mind given it was his idea to post it in the first place. At least I think it was his idea. Never mind,. Clarifications can be sorted out later.

First the standard Parental Guidance type warnings.
Yes well, observe the delicacy with which I side-step the issue of age.
For one thing, the first time I suggested censoring a post for all those below eighteen I found a comment from two American bloggers who were aged thirteen. I have no idea how they found the page, but it's perfectly possible that they simpled googled for all pages which refused access to those below eighteen.
The second and more important thingy is that the guest in question is practically eighteen himself. Well no, nineteen. About to be twenty. But still, he's a teenager. So umm age is not a criterion in warning people off the rest of the post.
On the other hand moral sensibilities are a bit of a bugger. If you don't like hearing the word sex repeated too often skip this post, it just ain't meant for you.

Right, having tempted ye enough Dear Reader, let me introduce the guest poster. Who is probably in bed right now oblivious to the fact that I am ghost writing his guest post. Little in fact needs to be said about him; suffice to say he is a Duck.

Gentle Reader, I understand this is a difficult statement to accept at the best of the times, especially since there is a famed duck of destiny and a quackpot duck who went to sea who both happened to visit this fishbowl once upon an ancient age. Give it a minte and remind yourself there are other ducks in the sea. This one for example is a blogging duck who used to be a travelling duck. Now he's the Red Bantoo and never mind why. He also happens to be a duck who says things like "I don't give a flying duck". And he writes poetry. I think that says it all.
Oh last point, before anyone brings on the criticism, he is also my darling choubachha*.

*This at the best of times is a difficult idea to translate, but to simplify a bachha is a child whereas a choubachha is a water tank; as you can see it's just a bad pun, so never mind.

Enough of introductions, on with the post. Which in fact is also in fact a tag.

The rules are simple enough, those tagged have to answer the questions below to the best of their ability. Having answered all the questions they have to add one question in the same vein. And then tag one other person. Just one please, not an indiscriminate tag list of your eight favorite people.

The questions incidentally were provided by the Duck who obtained them by fishy means from a reputed insitituion in the city which believes in teaching its students to be fine upstanding moral citizens of the country. Not that I have a problem with anyone who fits those three adjectives but in view of the fact that these questions were part of a hundred mark examination it seemed appropriate to address them to the blogsphere....

To begin with then, I tag the choubachha himself...awright baby, enjoy answering this lot...

we begin with the medical and the practical type of question...
1) If one doctor tells you that you have asthma and another tells you that you have bird flu, are their statements contradictory? Explain why or why not.

move on to the metaphysical and spiritual...
2) From the behavior that is found in human beings only ( 'I know myself', i.e., 'I know I'), prove that a human being has a soul that is not material.

and then to the literally *spirit*ual
3) Explain how drinking enough (a) alcohol to be drunk and (b) smoking causes addiction.

then comes the good bit...

4) Explain how the focus of attention in a sexual dream is different from the focus of attenion when one stimulates oneselft sexually by masturbating. Explain why masturbation is both sinful and addictive.

from good to better...

5) Contraception, of any kind, is always an action done to oneself and hence, contraception turns the attention to oneself and destroys love. If a woman uses a diaphragm (a woman's condom) as the only way to avoid a life threatening pregnancy, she is doing unnatural sex to survive. Which is the way to reach eternal life : to die as a martyr instead of violating natural law (God's law) by doing sex in a condom or to do sex in a condom and survive? Explain your answer.

possibly to best...

6) Just as one should avoid high-calorie foods to control weight, the couple should abstain from sex when conception is possible to control birth. How is this natural way to control birth different from contraception?

and finally the question which left me speechless in all its seriousness...

7) Why do premarital sexual relations hinder a boy and a girl from knowing each other before marriage?
Why does a married couple who married as virgins have a better chance to have happy sexual relations after marriage than a married couple who had premarital sex?
Why does premarital sex tend to lead to divorce?

Explanations anyone?


Blogger jhantu said...

Q7 has set of alarm bells in ny peanut sized brain. I can see a hefty alimony amount in my future. Damn the duck and fish for spoiling the jhantu's day out

4:44 AM  
Blogger Erythrocyte said...

I was wondering what to do with that little piece of filth. Congrats for having outed the qp without naming names/sources/institutions. Seriously, when i read it the mind boggled (monta armpit korlo). Will watch tag with interest.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Gamesmaster G9 said...

Whiskey! Tango! Foxtrot!

I must must must know more.

11:12 AM  
Blogger the wannabe indian punkster said...

Why does premarital sex tend to lead to divorce?

*laughs uncontrollably*

is this tripe for real?


11:21 AM  
Blogger "sen"sational said...

have u ever 'done' sex in a condom??? ahahahahahahaha...
p.s. and u forgot to mention that this is the 'paper' which left the famed 'offog' officially speechless....hehehehe...

2:05 PM  
Blogger Tiny Black Cat said...

baap re, kon institution toh bujhlam, but eta kon subjecter paper shuni? english honours niley by stroke of (mis)fortune paat'e portey paare ki?

10:37 PM  
Blogger A Hairy Snail said...

Whoa! Those are some questions! When do the answers come out?

11:04 PM  
Blogger Rahul Sengupta said...

Interesting post.
Well its a complete nono 'to steal', its complete nono 'to hv sex in indian society,b4 marriage'.Both r considered SIN!
But the confusion is when one
(i.e. Stealing) remains a Sin always..the other (i.e. Sex) becomes acceptable after marriage.Poor Indians...u Bet we r so damn confused.

11:40 PM  
Blogger herenow said...

no answers yet i see......

12:17 PM  
Blogger "sen"sational said...

@ tbc - no no...not english honours...definitely not english honours....and btw...the mentiones institution doesnt have admission tests for english honours....

4:06 PM  
Blogger Diviani said...

hilarious, doing sex in a condom

i really, really, want to see their faces when this is flung at unsuspecting exam-takers.

9:43 PM  
Blogger J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Fun came. Curiosity awoke.

Eryhtrocyte, kudos for "mon taa armpit korlo".


7:16 PM  
Blogger panu said...

Amazing Questions!!! Truly. Babel, I must give this to you, you truly find the most amazing things in the blogsphere.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous hrileena said...

I'm glad to see you've put this up! And done it very tactfully too... good on you.:-)

9:24 PM  
Blogger Generally_Speaking said...

Wow, what unbelievable questions?

7:58 PM  
Blogger Generally_Speaking said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:59 PM  
Blogger The Alluder of Alliterations said...

hey i thought i was the choubaccha

10:48 PM  
Blogger erebus said...

u forgot to add... "when a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it... does it make a sound?"

BTW: Is the shocking grammar intentional?

6:34 PM  

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