Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I can never explain why I feel bad. The hurtness comes out in words which don’t mean a thing. Most of the time it isn’t even a rational pain, just a strange feeling, like someone’s slowly squeezing my neck. Not like being strangled, just a lump that grows bigger inside my throat and won’t go away.
And I start howling if people try to be kind. Which is just sad when you’re supposed to be all grown-up and mature and responsible.
And I hate the word responsibility.

To be honest tonight I hate a lot of things. Including my memories of four and a half years. It’s not an easy feeling, the hurtness and the hateness which comes from love gone wrong.

When people call college a second home, half the time it’s an overdose of sentiment. The other half of the time they actually do spend more time in college than they spend awake at home. I’ve always called campus my first home. It’s not something my parents have ever been happy about. It just is that way.
Or rather was.

I don’t love you anymore. You were home but you’re not anymore. You’re just this fucked up place and I don’t wanna go back to you.
I thought I’d miss you when I left.
I won’t.
I doubt I’ll even remember you.
Right now the happy thought in my life is that I have barely two months left.
Afterwards I’ll concentrate on forgetting.

7 Comments:

Blogger J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Pattt! Get over it.

2:05 PM  
Blogger "sen"sational said...

Wtf?

9:36 PM  
Blogger scorpionragz said...

omg!!!!!!
u hate jude???/
u hate college??
u won't miss it???
(is it the 5 years?? did it get too much???)

10:52 PM  
Blogger Suki said...

You okay, Phissy?
:hugs: anyhow.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Elendil said...

Firstly I don't think we ever 'grow up' as such. That is a word with a superiority complex. So it's not surprise that you feel that way.

Secondly, I suppose, whatever reasons have fuelled them, I understand your sentiments. The idea of home is very subjective I suppose. Maybe it's best not to hold on to any particular place/person more than needed. It will only hurt, hurt, hurt. The ones best of, are the emotionally distant ones.

3:14 AM  
Blogger Elendil said...

surprisING* (sorry, I can't stand making typos)

3:15 AM  
Blogger babelfish said...

J.A.P : You've forgotten what it's like to be twenty something and angsty...easier said than done sir.

sensational : whiskey, tango and foxtrot indeed.

scorpionragz : even mommy's hurt sometimes no?

suki : thank you *hug*

elendil : You're right of course, the ones happiest are those who are calm and pragmatic and distant and ice-cold when it comes to emotional attachments. It's just that my brain doesn't work that way. I fall in love, badly; with places more than people, with hopes, dreams and ideas. And afterwards it hurts. Random but such is life.

11:26 PM  

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