Saturday, March 24, 2007

Over the last month and a half, I've yelled at enough people to deserve an eternity in Dante's fifth circle. I kid you not. I've been cranky, unfair, pig-headed and I was rather hoping to hell that people would be calling me really nasty names behind my back because I would completely deserve it.
People, being people, have instead gone out of the way to make me feel special.
Which is why at 3 in the morning I'm holding my head between my knees and weeping like a five year old.
umm pause while I blow my nose. and uh sorry about the incoherence, it's a nightmare putting feelings into words. but my heart's fit to burst, so i will try...

This isn't a blog post, it's a confession.
These last months have seen the most despondent moments of my college life.

It wasn't easy watching my classmates and my juniors cry uncontrollably because they couldn't believe the things they'd been accused of.
It wasn't easy watching the innocent being maligned and victimized and made into a public spectacle.
It wasn't easy controlling my temper when all I wanted was to blast every journalist whose vocabulary contained the words juicy gossip but not the simple word ethics.
It wasn't easy being answerable to everyone.
It wasn't easy not having the answers.
And it wasn't easy holding on to hope.

I've made more mistakes than I should have.
I've been paranoid to the point of driving people insane. Or at least of making them seriously doubt my sanity.

And I'm trying to say sorry. For hurting your feelings. For misunderstanding your intentions. For misjudging you. For misinterpreting you. For accusing you. And for ignoring you.
To each of you, a different you in each case perhaps, I have only this to say...You aren't just friends or classmates or juniors or acquaintances in the department. You're more than family. You are my tribe.

And if I had to tell the world about the tribe of JUDE, I would say...Beware.

Because we know what despair is but we don't know what defeat is.
Because we know what hopelessness is but we'll keep fighting long after the referees have packed up and gone home.
And because every JUDEan is willing to walk that extra mile, and sometimes more than once.

Coherence isn't happening. Sometimes when the emotional investment is too high my brain shuts down. So instead of blathering on, I shall end this happy night with our war cry...



Blogger Insiya said...


7:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You rock. As does Trismegistus.

9:02 AM  
Blogger babelfish said...

insiya : *hug*

bhoot : you be gem, i have always said this. but, more importantly we rock...this kubla isn't his or hers or mine or yours, it's ours :D

11:59 AM  
Blogger Opaline said...

You are special. =)

Tribe JUDE should have a warcry (which is not 'redeyeshadow') and we should all like, rally around and warcry and have our faces painted. Shotgun facepainting.


I'll miss you when you leave.

(my word verif was rim b c, heehee)

4:03 PM  
Blogger "sen"sational said...

Fishy, you rock!
And you are a rock, if you know what I mean.
Stick around for a couple of more years. JUDE needs more people like you. :)

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Ph said...

TIGHT hug. Take care kiddo.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Nothing Too Fancy said...

*lump in throat*

1:09 AM  
Blogger Dhruva said...

:D * rockon *

10:55 AM  
Blogger Dreamcatcher said...

You have no idea of how your strength made things easier.
Yaaaaaaaay feel so happy. Thou art a rockstar :D

11:53 AM  
Blogger Suki said...

:cries: . And yes.. it's OUR KUBLA!

Wonder what we'd do without our JUDEan ilk...
Glad I'll never have to realise that scenario.


8:48 PM  
Blogger Lost Poet said...

I have never had anything even close to what I have at JUDE. D'shree, ur right. Ur right about it all.

And I've never felt like this either.

most definitely:

8:55 PM  

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