Monday, July 17, 2006

A few hours back I wasn't sure if I should be happy or if I should cry.
Because I thought things were ok, I thought we could forgive and forget and move on. And I was touched; incredibly, insanely touched that there are people who are concerned. People who aren't even family but who care enough to think about me when I'm not thinking for myself.
It kinda made me happy. And a little sad. If you know what I mean.

Now I'm just howling.
Cos I've discovered life ain't that simple. And it doesn't help that none of the people I'm howling for will ever see this space and I have no idea how to make things ok again.

I’ve just had everyone taking my trip all day. Taking. My. Trip. Again and again.
And obviously I deserved it. Also equally obviously I've been an idiot. Correction, an idjit.

This is a cross between a public apology and a private rant. That means people who don't know what this is about should not ever ask what this is about. And if the people this is about do accidentally or otherwise drop by, well, I'm trying to say I'm sorry.

I made a mistake. I know that. I wasn't thinking straight. Hell I wasn't even thinking. But it's over. Really. It won't happen again. Ever again. I don't know if I can say sorry often enough to make you forget what happened. I'd swear by everything I hold dear but swearing ain't a test of anything. I haven't given you any reason to trust me. But I need your trust. Because I love you. All of you. For caring enough to yell at me. And if you can still find it in your hearts to care for me a little I won't let you down again.
Phishy promise.


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