Tomorrow Is My Birthday!!!

well actually 40 minutes away is my birthday.......

and my reasons to be unhappy are :

1) I am daily addressed by one rather impertinent junior as "hot buri" (for those unaware of college/bengali lingo, that means sexy, old woman with the emphasis on old) and horror of all horrors, I'm getting used to it!!!!!
2) At the end of twenty one years (which will actually be at 11.35 A.M. I.S.T. tomorrow) I am approximately double what I was at the end of fourteen years.......what will I be in say another seven years.......the mind boggles!
3) And this is the sad little thought that sort of takes out its own handkerchief and sobs into it.........sometime at the end of tomorrow there will be people who will umm not wish me..........twenty one years is long enough to pick up quite a few ghosts........

But! and this is the all important but :

1) I happen to be knowing two simply adorable people......... cassandra mortmain and sohini, take a bow......... who today sat me down and ordered me to bunk all classes and all work tomorrow because they insist on taking me out to lunch........this be because I have bored everyone nearly to death by telling them how I have hardly any friends and therefore will do nothing on the special day.........but seriously, sniff sniff, I was so touched!!!
2) Also I just saw, this is what cassy wassy has done....... aaaaaaawwww......thankoopie..........
3) On a less sentimental but more practical note.............I have a birthday top/kurta thingy with a very plunging neckline, so old age be damned and bedamned!!!

twelve o'clock came and went
bringing with it my dad, who went from room to room switching on every light there is in this house, and believe me there are quite a few!!!
and then mommy and daddy sang to me
a little out of tune true
but I'm still sniffling out of sentimentality.........

and Baba just told me that all those years back, in all the hurry and worry of getting my mother to hospital, there was just one moment when Ma looked up calmly and said "I want a daughter"

I am happy.......not just not-un-happy but happy

waaaaaaaaaaaaahh.....
glublglubgulp.....
sob.......
sniffle sniffle.......
I am now officially u-n-happy!

why?
well the best reason is always "because."
but I have second best reasons too.........

1) nobody loves me.......snifflesniffle.........

2) nobody cares that this is my birthday week.......sobsob.............

3) somebody insists on feeding me papaya (and she knows I hate hate hate it........she'll probably even make me eat karela on the day of my birthday! ! !)...........boohooo...........

4) my right eye has now swollen to the size of a rather largish pin-cushion and it feels as if there are a dozen pins pricked in it........Waaaaaaaaah!!!

In short I am now
thoroughly,
inexorably,
inescapably,
deliciously,
delightfully
U-N-happy! ! !
sigh.......it's a lover-ly life.......

this is what my life has come to :

1) Barely Known Stranger : screeches car to a halt on seeing me, jumps out, asks for my number and then calls me up late at night to say "my girlfriend and I are having ego problems, what should I do?"

2) Very Distant Acquaintance : obtains number from elsewhere, calls and says it's a life or death situation! I rush to the rescue to discover what? Acquaintance has crush on someone, doesn't know how to reveal it and is afraid of becoming centre of gossip.

3) Little Better Known Acquaintance : has number already, calls up in wee hours of the night "my boyfriend has left me, I'm going to commit suicide!!!"

and I say
WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!!

I seem to be the universal agony aunt and after years of experience I now have the perfect solution......all future applicants to agony aunt column will get the following reply

"It is the will of the Immortal Celestial Beings and the machinations of Fate that have led to your unceasing woes. The only solution to end your boyfriend/girlfriend problems is Dump Them!!!"

achha......if I'm the one providing solutions to other people's love lives why don't I have boyfriend problems?!!!! All I ever get is boring exam tension......which is a lot more depressing and has the minus point of bringing along tommy woes.....you'll never have a stomach upset when you're in the throes of love lorn agony but with exams around corner, tsk tsk.

Of course I also have random stranger problems, getting rid of jerks problems, trying to keep my sanity around insane people problems, crying my heart out over adorable professor who gave me only second highest in test problems, being unable to find enough strong cusswords for the sons of bachelors in this world problems........

sigh........what a life........and to top it all my pride is trying to kill me, my mind is trying to outwit it and kill me first, my body has declared it doesn't care either which way and my heart just wants me dead........it's a conspiracy against me by.....erm.......me.

A few nights back I saw a dream. This is exceedingly restricted, if boring, material; so all those below eighteen please go away while the others had better reconsider if they really want to read this........
Sure?
Righty ho, here goes......

So......
I'm married!
In the dream.
Of course.
And somehow or the other my husband has changed into a bottle of water!!
To be precise, two bottles of water!!!
And I'm pouring out the bottles of water, that used to be hubby dearest, into glasses!!!!
Only one of them contains - not water, but sprite (!!!!!) which, since I'm in a hurry, froths all over the place!!!!!!

eh?!!!!!!!!!!

At the present moment I am feeling most disgruntled with unreasonably negotiable Bengal Taxi Driver's Association. In the past I have faced cabbies and whether I was righteously demanding my change back or playing at damsel-in-distress pleading to be rescued from torrential downpour, these cabbies have always shown that they are men of steel. With a firm, frequently disdainful, glance they have said "no". And to add emphasis they have sat there and vehemently / sagely / sadly / apologetically / angrily shrugged their shoulders and waved their hands and heads and generally implied that what I wanted was impossible. But what happens when the transport minister gets into action? BAH!!!!
Where is all that iron which seemed to be permanently embedded in their soul? Are these men or lily livered transporters of living flesh??!!!!

tone changes from righteous anger to sheer anguish........why oh why oh why did they have to cancel the taxi strike tomorrow?!!!! Waaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!! Now I shall have to write this test.

And the erstwhile departmental head, being what she is, has threatened to proceed with the test even if there are only ten people in class. I ask you, what sort of logic is this? What about the remaining fifty-five?? What if all those present are men??? What if only the women turn up???? What if there are more men than women and the carefully preserved sex ratio of two girls to every boy in our class is undermined!!!!!

Of course I might not go as far as calling the examiner a "spiteful malicious tormentor", as other people, hem hem, have. After all she does have a bit of an axe to grind with our class........
hehehe......... not an axe so much as a thirty foot long extremely sharp weapon of destruction perhaps.....for those who know not why she doesn't like our class in general.....weeeell.......it's a bit like this.....our class happens to be filled with bright sparks........one of them within the very first month of college told her "nobody wants to do your class" and another one in third year just before the exams went and quite condescendingly informed her that "we were willing to do her classes now"......on the first occasion I am informed she was struck speechless.......on the second all that pent up excitement and agony of three years erupted.......I was there........*shudder*........not what one would call a pretty sight.

Ye gads!!! why am I still here? All the class has by now read the sixty odd chapters of.........that bloody-god-awful-mammoth-chunk-of-pomposity........erm........of the text........or at any rate they've all read the convenient little summaries on the net.........I have also been online for the past three hours, twenty seven minutes in the hopes of reading the afore mentioned summaries but erm......well.....sigh.........

I'd rather be reading the Imperial Blandings Omnibus for the n-th time anyway (n greater than 1, less than fifty).........who in their right minds would prefer to read a doddering, victorian, soporific writer of unwieldy tomes (useful only in bashing errant boyfriends' heads) over good ole pelham ?!!!! Even the Duke of Dunstable would be less potty than that!!!!!

it's so easy to say leave........it's even easier to say forget.........
I can't do either.........
I wish things would go back to being the way they were..........
I wish I could be a lot less intense about people........things....goddamit.... even places!!

"It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name,
Like photographs and memories of love......
Steel and granite reminders,
The city calls your name,
And I can't move on........"

I need to move on.
I need a life.
I need to get out of this morass of depression.
I need to be a lot less anguished about life in general (and erm......people in particular).

More importantly, I need a break from exams!!!

disclaimer in extra fine print : the whole world seems out to convict me of writing poetry (anguished shriek of distress).......just letting you know the lines quoted are not mine, they happen to be by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones

"Moments were to be experienced; waiting was a sin against both the time that was still to come and the moments one was currently disregarding."
-- from Neverwhere, by Neil Gaiman (copyright © 1996, 1997; published by Avon Books, New York)

but still I'm waiting......perhaps I'm not really sure what it is I'm waiting for.......a sign that we're on the same planet maybe........or maybe I'm just waiting for my Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic to start winking so I can just hitch a ride outta here........

Crankiness continued through the afternoon with me yelling head off at buddy....almost ten hours later I’m getting guilt pangs….sorry cass!!!…….my irritation could be attributed to general feeling of stuffiness (sunday lunch…..sigh……..the well peeled potatoes added to the flavour of maangshor jhol considerably…..smirk) but the primary reason for annoyance would be parental determination to take me shopping.
I abhor shopping for clothes……as opposed to my dad who for some inscrutable reason revels in going on shopping trips with my mom(!!!) I would much rather be shipped of to Singapore on a shutter than go shopping! ! !
At any rate we scoured three malls for about four hours and picked up two shirts......
This be because there are no good stores in calcutta and the rare pretty things I can find are obviously meant for ten year olds or those without ummm…..overtly feminine contours......shall we say…..sigh….fashion is not meant for not-thin-people……glump glump…….

"morning comes and morning goes with no regrets
evening brings the memories I can't forget"
which proves Don Mclean be a lovely singer with excellent metrical sense but no clue as to reality!!!

cos when you go to sleep at 3.30 AM after a brilliant trip on a great, fat, self-made (patting meself on the back) jay, you wake up in the morning cranky as hell.....at least I did.

spent first part of morning yelling at adoring worshipper who just wanted to let me know how beloved I am.....which was extremely unfair of me but I was too busy being depressed to hear other people waxing eloquent about my non-existent virtues........AAAAARGH!!!! Plus I get claustrophobic around people who want me more than I want them (tragic reflection on my life.......it's an endless litany of A wanting B who doesn't want A but wants C who in turn doesn't want A or B but D......oh, never mind!!)

Still the morning brought one epiphanic revelation........I realized (oh glorious day) what the perfect career is for me(!!!!) I shall be........hold your breath for this one.........I shall be......fanfare on trumpet.........
a potato peeler! ! !
Oh, I can just see myself rising like a shining star above all other measly potato peelers of the world......and my post-grad degree (if I ever get it) will be immensely apt for a future in spuds........after all if Van Gogh could find the perfect expression of his aesthetic sensibilities in potatoes, so can I!!!!!

also it shall be most appropriate revenge on parent who made me peel potatoes all morning when I wanted to do other, better things........like sleep......I shall show her, I shall do nothing but peel potatoes in future, hah!!

blame it on the rain.......

there are times when the music you're listening to says it all......I spent the morning cleaning out my closet........
and there was much wailing and gnashing of arachnid teeth as I swept out the cobwebs.........
if only it was as easy to sweep out the clinging filamentous strands of memories.........

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again'
.........................

Hearing your name the memories come back again
I remember when it started happening
I see you in every thought I had and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them

........................

and eventually thinking about something all the time is not very different from obssesing.........

Maybe someday I’ll be just like you and
Step on people like you do and
Run away from the people I thought I knew
................
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm
Used to be strong
Used to be generous.......
but everyone changes........people drift apart and everything comes to an end............

Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
......................
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory
Of a time when I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
....................
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard..................

clarification : i suppose I'm flagrantly flouting tons of copyright rules etc.....so in a belated attempt to give credit where it's due.......the above lines are Linkin Park ..........except the very tiny bits which are my own comments.......plis to escoos.....

what a day it was!!! what a play it was!!!! this is one play I shall commit to memory......not so much the play actually as the events of the play......erm, which had not much to do with the events on stage.......to begin with -The Play.
The play was, well....umm.......i think i shall leave it to more intellectual beings to decide what the play was.......what I can best describe are the actions and reactions of the audience.........
there were those who laughed......at the wrong times......like when the hero, who has just clinched a 150 crore project but lost his girl in the process, declaims his similarity to Dr.Faustus who sold his soul to the devil.......this we presume in retrospect was meant to be a sombre moment of tragedy........alas it had most people rolling in the aisles in desperate hysterics)there were there were those who sat in the auditorium and predicted the future dialogues of the characters or made snide remarks on past dialogues........
there were those who watched with avid interest, alongside neighbours who were snoring through most of it and only waking up in parts to applaud the music.........
and of course there were those who took advantage of near darkness and a hall empty enough to provide limited privacy and did the obvious........rolled a jay.
The last mentioned were not many in number, just two......and that too Teleute was doing the actual work while I was mere torch bearer (or rather cell phone light bearer)........one wonders if a certain Indian graphic novelist (that's making it obvious, na) would approve of the use we put his book to; but to us it seemed most appropriate........

so now i be very, very stoned.......which is good because it'll keep me from brooding.......about indiscriminate actions........about what drifting away means........about taking people for granted..........about the fact that if tomorrow isn't another day, nobody still gives a damn...........

Entering the room of the head of our reputed department nowadays is just begging an invitation to get ragged......ever since Satyr Chakrobarty / Don of my Dreams, call him what you will, became the head, every trip to that room has been a trip on a different level..........for one thing, the room has, for all practical purposes, been taken over by the Deadly Duo / Terrible Twosome (whatever it is they label themselves) namely the two most utterly delectable men ever to walk the corridors of JUDE (or for that matter to be seen playing cricket on rainy days in the afore-mentioned corridors).
Today, I innocently entered, having been commissioned to find out the sex-ratio of the class on the behest of the administration (not compatibility or anything like that, just the men to women ratio). They have all the lists but we have to do the finer mathematical calculations. And after I conscientiously procured the attendance register and was planning a silent exit, I was stopped........to be precise I was spotted.......and asked for my candid opinion as to the aesthetic appeal of the arrangement of framed photos of erstwhile professors of the dept (!!!) and after that it got rather confusing.......
Firstly the not-yet-head kept dancing around, incomprehensibly yelling, "vantage point! vantage point!!"; then with a leap and a yell he perched on a handy chair and started taking off the frames in order to shuffle them about.......I discreetly, concealing my fluttering heart, murmured the coloured photo would look best if kept in between the black and whites: of course the revered professors of our department don't believe in simplicity of expression, so Dr. Adorably Divine Guy reeled off "the primordial assumption of the aesthetic faculties is that colour should predominate the pivotal position"........err, I made that up, he obviously used bigger and better words........and then started playing musical photos. Finally with the last photo, which was a standing frame, I said it would look better up front and at an angle......where upon the head burst out with "yes! Yes! Listen to her, the young have better eyes!" and not-yet-head went "no! No! The young have clearer eyes!!"
At any rate we got that sorted out and then we stood around for a bit contemplating our handiwork with prodigious head-nodding and satisfied grunts of aesthetic appreciation. After which I left the room, discreetly went out of earshot and collapsed into hysterical laughter.
In the end, there seemed to be just one thing left to do.......so I went and did exactly that.........I got higher :D

the aftermath of exulting about fabulous cloudy days in general and rain in particular is that the gods have a sad sense of humour.......so there I was, strolling back from the good old administrative buildings.....which needless to say are at the other end of campus and separated from our more salubrious territory by a football matth, two and a half jheels, several canteens, hordes of dogs and lascivious men......and the rain gods decide all I'm asking for is a little rain, correction a lot of rain.......so what I got was torrential downpour........which was excellent fun, keeping in mind how much I enjoy getting wet in the rain.........unfortunately I was wearing one of those, erm, things which tend to go (not bump in the night) but cling in the rain........which meant that not only did I enjoy getting wet but those around me also enjoyed erm....well......so with the blessings of the rain gods I am now well on my way to some nasty form of pneumonia........

Adam Young
You scored 100% Good, 90% Evil, and 90% Knowledgable!

Hell, you had no idea you were the Antichrist but you sure did know what was supposed to happen and you made it happen just the way you wanted it to. Good for you! Now go run and steal apples and enjoy your summer with Dog.

what, pray, does this say about me?!!!

you are a.. LUSTFUL vampire, you like things hot
and heavy! you seduce all that cross your path.
with that, "come hither" attitude,
all are helpless against your sex appeal. Being
a vampire has changed your look on life and you
have decided to enjoy it to the fullest. you
love attention and you sure know how to get it,
in more ways than one. you are dependant on
love to survive, as well as blood. you get
along with almost any kind of vampire, but you
especally get along well with the
"cute" vampires, they are easily
swayed by your dominent personality

blessed, beautiful, life-giving rain stopped at a suitable moment so I could actually go out for long enough to inhale some life-taking air......which was extremely essential keeping in mind the acute discomfort caused by, hem hem, eating too much and far too well.......sundays in my house are equivalent to meals which go on forever and ever......since the rest of the week I supposedly subsist on one squarish meal a day(!!!!) this, of course, is pure self-deception on the part of the family, which spends monday morning to saturday night bemoaning the fact that I am on a starvation diet and then spends sundays stuffing me like some under-nourished turkey.....not that I'm actually cribbing......

actually the day was one of intersting culinary experiences.......for one thing there was lunch.....and I really shouldn't go into details of the variety of ways in which ilish maach or mangsho or chingri can be prepared and served up at one meal......then there was the little excitement at tea.......Mommy not there, so me decides to make tea for Daddy and me.....which is all very good except there's no sugar in the sugar bowl, so I have to pour it out of the bigger sugar jar....and in my extremely happy, floating in the air state I sat down and started transfering sugar from big container to little one......and I did so for about fifteen minutes before realizing that what I was using to transfer the sugar was a spoon, to be precise, one of those plastic ice-cream spoons which hold approximately five granules of sugar.........I'd only managed to transfer a thin layer of sugar which I poured back to the big jar........and then I started all over again, with the same plastc spoon, and counted how many spoonfulls it took....erm....if anyone's interested I got to one, two, many, many more.......after that of course daddy declared it was the best-est-est tea he's ever had in his life.......and clarified that he wasn't saying it just because I had made it but because the great art of making tea is is entirely dependent on one's discerning judgement on how long one should dip the tea bags......tsk tsk.......fathers I realize can be somewhat unobservant of the finer points of truth and reality, shall we say, when it comes to giving an honest opinion on anything their daughters do......of course in my Dad that's not a flaw, because after all my dad is the best.......I mean the only competition he faces in winning the best parent ever is from my mom..........basically they tie at the top........but well, that's because I did bring up my parents properly......pat meself on me back :D

I adore this weather.......this is about the only sort of day on which I would go down on my knees and scream hallelujah to the gods of nature in all their benevolent aspects.........please note this is not a good day to be an aetheist, unless you happen to be Dorfl or of similar ceramic mould........but I do so love rain.......it makes me all nice and mellow and nostalgic and quite happily depressed.....sigh..........it is such a happy day.........despite the fact that i am now officially stuck at home for the rest of the day.....no way daddy dear is going to let me brave the nearly-torrential downpour........completely deprived of any and all forms of smoke.......damn, damn, damn!!!

"Those who are labeled as mad can become "trapped" within their own delirious discourse and within the structures designed to confine them: perhaps the experience of being trapped inside some of Foucault's more difficult sentences is meant to echo this. Or perhaps he was just incapable of writing clearly."

this be very astute comment......I was reduced by 5 am to a state of drivelling delirium where I actually took recourse to sparks notes to see if I could make some sense of that brilliantly incomprehensible book Madness and Civilization......all that registered was the above comment........now since I really can't write this for my test I might be reduced to emulating Calvin and giving up a one-line answer for whatever question might come, "I cannot answer this question as it is against my religious principles.........."

some very astute critic remarked

"Foucault-bashing is the favorite indoor sport of American academics."

all I wanna know is where do I sign up?!!!

unhappy......decidedly unhappy........nothing and no one can make me happy ever, ever, ever again.......as long as there are things called exams/class tests/mid sems/internal evaluations I shall be decidedly unhappy........I shall also be melodramatic...aami aar parchhi na!!!!!!!

also I have discovered no matter how unprepared I happen to be it is not advisable to take recourse to grass as a means of calming the mind and increasing concentration........the mind was becalmed, unfortunately the tranquility induced ensured I slept through the evening and saw happy dreams of.....well never mind who or what.......suffice to say it's almost midnight and I am so-o-o unprepared........there goes my beauty sleep tonight.....

I read a book last night.......and no, this isn't the first time such a thing has happened.......my reactions through the hundred minutes or so required to finish the book varied from vaguely interested to gently raised eyebrows on to eyebrows indistinguishable from hairline to pure anguish........
the one question floating constantly through my mind (more like hammering at the portals of my consciousness) was.......why am I reading this book??
of course, a little later the question became a statement.........this is killing me!!
further on, the cussing began and I must have called the author a phony about a million times......
and then as suddenly as it began, it ended, and the memory that remains is of these words.........
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
I don't think this is a book which I can like or dislike or categorize in any way........it just is......and having told you about it I realize I too am missing it.........

post blog script : my mom saw the book and said "ki shob porchho".........so I considerately explained to her that it was an iconic work creating a subversive counter-cultural identity and amounting to a literary objective correlative of an iconoclast and then added "I cannot help it if your education is incomplete".......the book was The Catcher In The Rye.

these incessant, intermittant, unendurable little aggravations in my otherwise joyous life have got to stop!!! how am I supposed to crib about the thousand and one inanities that fill up my life if I spend day after day after day going crib, crib and crib about examinations........and all bloggers past the stage of exams be warned that if I see one smug comment I shall personally trace you to the remotest corners of the world and....err.....and.....and do something nasty!!! do you call this a life?!!!

also this tendency to repeat my self has got to go......it comes of talking to moronic imbeciles and reading alliterative poetry......not that I'm actually suggesting all morons are poets or all poets are morons…….although.......achha na, I will refrain from commenting on this one.......though i will mention that the last time I wrote poetry was probably class seven.......I leave the world to draw its own conclusions, tee hee.........

footnote to the day:

I opened yahoo messenger and found an offliner, several in fact, but one which had just one word.........and I quote......

idiot.........

and my heart went flippetty-floppetty flop.....and I decided I am in lo-o-ove with this man.....sigh......sheepish inane grin on my face.......so I've linked his journal, as being good publicity for a writer of genius, plis to go read......and if he reads this post as undoubtedly he will, sweetums, I know your ears are turning red and this is
a)an attempt to get you to post a comment on my blog
b)my revenge for being called an idiot

tee hee.....and if you dare say your ears didn't turn red on reading the first bit, I shall regain my fast-diminishing blog audience by divulging stories of your football trained bod :D

I have been accused of being cryptic!!! also incoherent, but primarily cryptic........this hurts, this really, really hurts because what I was aiming for was melodramatic.....but no!! My artistic soul remains unquenched in its thirst for recognition simply because people are too busy being curious about why my life is in tatters to stop and pay attention to all my dramatic poses.....sigh.........please note the italicized words are the bits which, if I was on stage and in a suitable flowing gown, I would be heaving my not noticable cleavage and declaiming amidst sighs.....
But I shall succumb to public demand.....and more importantly to the desire of any drama queen worth her tuppenny bit to tell all........and reveal the tales from the crypt.......well just one tale really, even as the public in question happens to be just one person.......
The blast from the past happened to be nothing more dramamtic or less juvenile than blackmail.....also in retrospect evil-male.......the phone that rang in the middle of the night boded no less than a spine-chilling malicious disembodied voice demanding the unthinkable........no I'm done being inane.....it was just this one son of a bachelor I used to know somewhere, sometime in the past and unfortunately happened to be fond of enough to leave discriminatory evidence all over the place (plis, be discreet and ask thou not what evidence I speak of, use that much famed imagination!!!) So anyway it was an ugly phone call. And although unable to scream I did manage to send this not-nice-mister-sob packing. And that's the background to all that blog-ranting last night.
To be very honest though, I wasn't specifically upset about the fact that this insignificant-diseased-microbium thought he could pull the fast one on me....I was dithering between sanity and not quite insanity because this one voice from the past made me realize that I have done much that I regret deeply. Perhaps I've on the whole come to terms with much of what I have done but there are these occasional moments when I find it hard to believe that I was ever so, so, so stupid and that I knew people like this, and what is worse, trusted them. There have been times when I have been a lousy judge of character and the remembrance of such things, though long past, can still make me cringe. This be summation of my confession.
But before I conclude I probably have two more things to say....and do not expect crude humour!!!
1.] Ignorance is temporary but in my case, incoherence is permanent........go back and read the first post and then go figure.......
and
2.]If the gentle reader of my blog plans to take everything I say seriously, my dear reader will have a very very nasty time.......This may be difficult for those who don't know me at all, but to simplify I had better just narrate a little story from today......this won't take long, pukka......I asked cass what she thought of my recent blog posts and all she said was, "you sound happy"........this be woman who knows me........there are days when I am upset and the hugs make me feel nice but on the whole, world please quit thinking I'm on this intensely emotional roller-coaster ride........I am, but I'm really enjoying it :D

within the past twelve hours I managed to verge on the brink of regaining my sanity, prevented myself from doing so, of course, and then proceeded to mess up so badly that I won't be able to straighten out things in the next twelve lifetimes.....quite commendable considering I spent a good eight hours asleep, therefore it took four hours to accomplish incontrovertible damages to a lifetime, erm, actually make that two lifetimes.......who'm I kidding? It didn't take four hours......it took approximately thirteen minutes of hoarse whispering on the phone....I needed to be vehement and SCREAM, alas parents were in the next bedroom......
I wish these blasts from the past would never happen.......it's a bit like killing vampires, really......you stake them and pour holy water all over them and reduce them to ashes and think you're well rid of them, and then a few centuries later, someone comes along and drops one drop of blood in the wrong place and they're back! (this isn't original either, it's swiped from pratchett) anyway that's what the past is like....it just keeps coming back to bug you at all the wrong times......
so there I was with my life nicely sorted out and the phone starts ringing......a bit like The Ring I suppose, in which case I'm due to die in seven days.......which all considered wouldn't be an entirely terrible thing! But no, no then the only person who finds my blog funny would be bereft of a best friend.......fear thee not ibboss.......I shall not die........
ain't I melodramatic?!!!

mistakes i have made in the recent past:
a)trying to be funny
b)posting when inebriated/stoned/hallucinogenic/morose/ecstatic/confused
c)trying to be funny when posting in any of the above states
d)indiscriminately referring to people as my best buddies for which older best buddies get very upset
e)trying to clarify with older best buddies and thereby annoying other best buddies to no end
f)generally trying to be funny through it all
g)projecting myself as intense/emotional/kind/sympathetic/nice (though heaven alone knows how I managed to do any of that)
h)this is the recurrent point...trying to be, yes you got it, funny

me is feeling not only like drama queen but sadly misunderstood one as well...and i hate egotistic men who think that just because you give them about five minutes of your time, you're in lo-o-o-ve with them...you need to roll your tongue when saying that to get the full impact...when I do fall in lo-o-ove with someone, I am very well capable of telling them so myself, thank you and I do not not and not need sundry scattered members of either sex assuming that i'm on the verge of committing suicide out of love-lorn despair, thank you very much!!!!

today the head of the department dangled the keys to his cupboard and therefore to the mid-sem question papers before my eyes and said in his deep husky (bheery bherry sasky) voice, "tempting.........." and I almost fainted from a combination of embarrassment and ahem ahem.....you know.....quivering knees etal............it was the voice and the specific choice of the word that did it.......sigh.........and I return to my age-old, time-worn theme of the desirability of the unattainable

this blog will be funny.....ah yes, me hearties this blog will be as hearty as a drunk broken heart can make it......imagine me, or on second thoughts don't imagine me exactly, imagine say bianca castafiore.....we have much in common; the build, the tendency to go off on a high pitch, alas alas I have no jewels past compare but I can cause neighbours to vacate their flats once I start singing in the shower........anyway to return to the imagining.....ah yes....
imagine a bianca like figure in a meena kumari style pose.....at this point though even my vivid imagination balks........
imagine instead, someone who all her life has worn her heart on her sleeve......metaphorically of course, since she much prefers sleeveless.....
imagine a fish who takes the bait every damn time.........because this time, just this time the world may be wrong and that worm might not conceal a hook.....
imagine a china vase that's been broken and repaired over and over again till you don't know where the cracks leave off and the design starts......
erm, this isn't really a funny post.....I'm sorry but I just realized the ironic bit about pretentious self-mockery is it's heads you laugh, tails I cry and either way I'm miserable...... and it's really tough trying to be funny when I'm howling so loud all the dogs of the city and its nearest suburbs are vocally expressing their collective sympathy outside my gate......
like Rincewind I have also come to the conclusion that somebody up there is looking out for me.......otherwise there are just too many coincidences keeping me alive.....wouldn't it be just my luck that the days I wanna die
a) dad's razor blade looks real rusty,
b) my ex-bf claims his revolver is at a friend's house,
c) the fuse gets blown two seconds before i brace myself to get that finger in the socket
d) it's sunday morning and the metro won't start till 3 o'clock in the afternoon
e) there's a curfew on the streets of calcutta so there isn't even a cycle let alone a bus to run over me
and the list actually goes on.........I repeat, someone up there is watching out for me.......Aaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!

spent a constructive evening at home, guzzling beer and smoking navy cuts......one of those rare days, when one is not on the verge of penury and can afford to indulge.....also parents not at home...glory be!!! And I found my answers!!! Strange that I didn't realize it before, the final answer to the greatest question in the universe is quite obvious really.....if any one in the midst of their personal soul-searching should be interested, the answer is FORTY TWO.....of course I haven't found the question yet, but well one has to stop somewhere short of being a know-it-all!!!

NEWS FLASH :
Chhotu is homo!!! Good grief!!!! Reactions in college vary from shock to repulsion to hysterical giggling to one placidly condescending, "He's still a bachha, he's probably just experimenting." People have been overheard wondering how Cezanne will react when she hears her son is gay. Personally I feel more sympathetic for the bitches on campus...there's already a dearth of studs in JU, now if Chhotu decides to turn his attention elsewhere, well, imagine the consternation....
hmm......in retrospect I'm not sure if one should call Chhotu homosexual, perhaps canis-sexual would be more appropriate......I don't know......what does one call a dog with bisexual tendencies??

wasting a good life......i need a break.......also need to break away from things i know are not good for me, now or ever.......i shall go look for some answers.......except i'm not even sure about the questions........i wish i could ask for help, but i suppose we must bear our own crosses........i wish......maybe i just wish i knew what it is i'm wishing for......

number of classes that took place today : ONE
number of classes I attended : ONE
yay!!!!this be quite an achievement......it's been a while since I attended every single class that took place....even alas, on days when a single class was all that did take place.........
kicked with life.......since I had to attend an early class today.......erm, twelve o'clock actually........decided not to go to sleep at all last night.......the only pitfall of this otherwise foolproof plan, to be awake and shining early in the morning, being that I almost dozed off in class.........still, it was an enjoyable night and a thousand blessings on Momo for being such a sweetums...........stayed up reading Neverwhere, which be an amazing book and The Far Pavilions, which be sheer bilge........wish someone would tell me what it is that anyone can find appealing in the book, I'd write a review of how inane it was except I fear such a post would be as boring as the book itself !!

I'm sure the good Lord in His infinite wisdom created spammers as part of the divine purpose and the ineffable plan but I wish to hell they'd keep off my comments section.......grrrrr......

the more things change, the more they remain the same........it's been over three years since I first stepped into university.......I still bunk classes the way I used to in first year.......technically I'm done with my college days, since I'm now studying for an M.A.....heh-heh.....studying is still the last thing I dream of doing.......technically I'm done with little-girl crushes, the way they happened in school.........but I still feel all nice and queasy and goosebumpy when a certain professor calls my name, even if it's for something as insignificant as a postponed class.......sigh........and no matter how much I have changed over the last decade or so trivialities still hurt me as much as they used to when I was thirteen or thereabouts........there remains a tiny part of me that thinks and feels like a twelve year old........and which is at this present moment very shad, very lost and very very confoosed............